Kaylin Marie Mathews

I HEARD YOU CRYING YESTERDAY
AND FELT YOUR HEART-SENT LOVE
SO NOW, I'M SENDING YOU THIS MESSAGE
NOW, FROM HEAVEN UP ABOVE

YOU'RE WONDERING IF I'LL CELEBRATE
MY BIRTHDAY (WAY UP HERE )
I KNOW YOU'RE MISSING ME TODAY
I FEEL YOUR ESSENCE NEAR

GOD PLANNED A SPECIAL DAY FOR ME
HE TOLD ME WITH A WINK
HE'D ORDER ME A SPECIAL CAKE
(IT'S ANGEL FOOD , I THINK )

I'M GETTING LOTS OF HUGS FROM GOD
HE'S REALLY GOOD AT THAT
AND EVERYTIME THAT I WALK BY
HE GIVES MY HEAD A PAT

BALLOONS WILL FILL THE STREETS FOR ME
THEY FLOAT UP THROUGH THE CLOUDS
AND WE HAVE LOTS OF CLOWNS UP HERE
THEY MAKE US LAUGH OUT LOUD

THERE IS A BIRTHDAY CAROUSEL
JEWELED HORSES RIDE THE WIND
WITH MUSIC PLAYING OH SO SWEET.....
THE MAGIC NEVER ENDS

I'VE MADE SO MANY FRIENDS , YOU SEE
WE LAUGH AND PLAY AND SING
WE RIDE THE CLOUDS ,IT'S SO MUCH FUN
AND SLEEP IN OUR ANGEL WINGS

I'LL HAVE MY CAKE AND ICE CREAM
AND OPEN MY GIFTS ,SURPRISE!!
BUT WE DON'T BLOW OUT CANDLES HERE
INSTEAD, WE LIGHT THE SKIES

KIM I WANTED TO DO THIS FOR YOU ..EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT WILL BE A SAD DAY ..I HOPE SOMEHOW I MADE YOU SMILE ..I KNOW KAYLIN WILL BE WATCHING OVER YOU TODAY ..AND WE KNOW WHO HER FRIENDS ARE ..OUR ANGELS ...LOVE YOU KAYLIN AND LOVE YOU KIM XOXOXOXOXO

Thinking of you always ..stay close to your mom !! love to you both xoxoxo

Original poem by Tara & Heath Carey


Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your
family's life.
...
Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the murder continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every girl who looks like she is Kaylin's age. And then thinking of the age she'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were
an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has
become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Kaylin loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my daughter, Kaylin.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

I know Kaylin is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young woman was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Kaylin is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

The above poem was originally written by Tara and Heath Carey after they lost their daughters Violet and Iris in 2002 when natural gas caused their apartment to explode. I have taken the liberty to rewrite and change parts of the poem to fit it more to Kaylin's personality. I hope you are able to apply the same techniques to this poem to help you remember your child.


Because of a coward named Weston Thomas McCahon this is our normal.  To this date the sniveling coward shows no remorse.

Today had so many ups and downs.  Last night I could barely sleep.  I kept thinking, "this is when she was dying and he was refusing to get her help."  "this is when people tried to intervene and he drove off."  I cannot ever understand how someone could be so callous to someone in trouble.  God forgive me Kaylin but I hate him and I wish he was dead.  I know it isn't "the right thing" for me to think, but I feel it especially now.  Had he shown ANY remorse at all I think I could find my way there, but not as long as he has no remorse at all for his cowardly actions. You didn't have to die that night.  You should still be here.  I had lunch with Susan and she was so gracious in letting me share photo albums of you.  I found Bea tonight.  She is missing half an eyebrow.  It made me laugh and wonder just how long you had been contemplating shaving yours only to draw them on. Every moment I could feel the heaviness of despair and someone stepped in to give us a happy reminder of your life.  Teri sent Blue Bell ice cream and I found that so funny.  I never had any one mail me ice cream.  I could picture you laughing about that too.  Tanner has such a hard time now.  His birthday is forever tainted because that evil in human skin tainted his birthday by murdering you.  He doesn't even want to have one anymore.  He is too young to feel that way.  I don't want that monster to rob him of that.  We sent your butterfly balloons to you tonight.  It got very emotional for me.  I shouldn't be sending you balloons on an anniversary of your death.  You should be here calling Tanner and giving him a hard time and telling me that you cannot believe he is so big now. I miss you baby girl.  I miss you so much and my heart hearts with the pain of it.  I don't know that I can ever truly accept that you are gone.  It has been so long since I have seen you or heard your voice.  I wonder what you would be doing today had that cowardly excuse of a man let the people who offered help you.  Sometimes I try not to think and pretend that you are away visiting a friend or at college.  I don't like having to accept the reality.  You were so beautiful Kaylin.  I miss you so very very much.  I love you for ever, I like you for always.  As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Tonight your baby brother graduated from A E Wright.  I was so proud of him.  I cannot believe how big he is now.  I know you are proud of him too. Another bittersweet moment.  Another reminder that you are missing from celebrations in life.  Another reminder that my heart breaks every day from the hole left in it when you were murdered.  I was glad I had on sunglasses.  It hid the tears.  While we waited for them to come out I was transported back to a very hot day with no wind at all.  A sunny day, that felt like a million degrees.  A day we watched as a beautiful girl with long red hair walked across the stage to graduate from 8th grade.  That seems so long ago in some ways.  Afterwards taking pictures and you and Denae laughing.  I have your picture and it is one of my favorites of you.  You in your blue gown.  I don't remember what we did after.  I can't recall that but I could clearly remember watching you that day.  I closed my eyes a moment and was transported back to that day.  The feel, the smells, the sounds.  When they called his name I let out a hollar for him.  I was so proud watching him and I knew you were there too.  I miss you baby.  It's almost two years since that coward refused to let the people help you who offered.  Almost two years since that selfish excuse of a human being decided that he mattered more then someone dying on the seat next to him.  Almost two years since that awful thing dumped you and left you to die alone while he went swimming at his friends.  Nights like this I hate him.  I try to forgive but I am not there yet.  Not when I saw no remorse.  You should have been with us tonight celebrating your brother's moment and you weren't.  I love you baby girl.  I love you so much. 1-4-3

It is the second Mother's Day without you.  I don't like it.  I have a Dear Mom book that you gave me for Mother's day 2006.  You wrote a message to me in it.  I can see it everyday.  I don't go to the pancake breakfast anymore.  Dad and Jared are busy serving and staying home gives me the morning with you.  I can cry if I want to and talk to you.  I never have been able to stop talking to you.  Jared is so sweet and thoughtful.  He brings home flowers.  Daisies because he tells me that makes them from you and him.  I think it is so sweet that he tries to make sure you stay included.  You would be amazed how tall he has gotten and how his voice has changed.  Your baby brother is big now. I have the afternoon's with him.  Somehow I know you can see it all. I miss you so much Kay Bear.  Sentencing is over and he didn't get nearly enough time.  He gets to go on with his life and he took yours.  Because of his selfishness I don't get to spend Mother's Day with you. I want to hug you so bad.  I want to hear you say, "Mama" and hear you laugh.  I want to see you so much.  To hug you.  I miss you so much.  I miss you, I miss you. Everything has changed for us now.  Mother's Day is so bittersweet.  I am thankful for all the moments I had with you.  I only wish for more.  I love you my beautiful angel girl.

There are so many memories of Easter.  All the eggs that we colored.  When you were little how you always put them in all the colors and ended up with a lot of black eggs. :)  You were always so excited to see what the Easter Bunny would leave for you. The frilly dresses and hats and purses when you were little.  For so long you were the only kid to hide eggs for.  Aunt Krissy would hunt with you.  I watched a video of when you were 2.  Buddy was in the video standing on his back legs watching as you hunted eggs in Nanny and Poppy's back yard.  Nanny had that Easter Bunny that would play the Easter Bonnet song and ring a bell.  You always liked it so much. You would dance to the music by sticking both of your index fingers in the air and moving them back and forth while nodding your head.  She ended up giving it to you.  Surprise huh? :)  I still have it.  It always takes me back to the first time you saw it.  You were always so fun to dress up.  You always had your hot wheels in your Easter purse.  Nanny always made a lamb cake.  For two reasons. 1. Because of Jesus being the lamb of God and 2. She always called her grandkids her little lambs. She always gave you a stuffed lamb. It was an Easter dinner that you got Poppy into trouble for eating your mashed potatoes.  He tried to help you out and you ratted him out. :)  He would do anything for you.  When we moved out here we usually had a few of the neighbor kids for dinner.  You would hunt eggs with Jared.  I remember when we first got Trixie and you each had a beagle and a basket and were hunting eggs. I always thought it was funny that no matter how old you got you were excited about your basket.  Oh and peeps.  No one else liked them but you had to have peeps.  I bought you some this year.  It is too hard not to keep getting things for you.  I miss you.  I miss all the fun times and even the not so fun times. You were always such a fun child.  I miss all those times. I looked forward to being able to watch as you continued our traditions with your children.  I see where some of your friends now have kids and are taking their babies to Easter egg events and I cry that we will never have that. I know you would have been a wonderful mom. You were always so good with kids. I love you Kaylin and I miss you so very very much.

I came home tonight and found the tree in the middle of the living room.  It was laying on its side.  I am pretty sure two rambunctious beagle boys were the culprits , but it reminded me of the year that we decorated the tree and it was so pretty and we stood back to admire it and it fell over.  We found out that the trunk was crooked and it wouldn't sit in the base right.  That one ended up having to be at a little bit of an angle.  After that we always made sure to feel the trunk all the way as far as we could.  I remember it because it was one of those moments that could have been bad.  Everyone got quiet and then the giggling started.  I wasn't thrilled that the tree fell over, but you said something about us missing out on being a clip on America's Funniest Home Videos.  I wasn't thrilled to see a tree laying in the middle of the floor when I walked in, but I could hear you again and I had to giggle.  Thankfully I put your ballerina on your tree this year.  Nothing was really broken.  So until I can get everything off tomorrow, it sits propped up against the entertainment center.  Just another memory and moment that makes me smile.  Memories are all I have now.  I love you Kaylin Maroo.  So, if you were looking down and watching me prop the tree up, I hope you got a little giggle out of it too.  1-4-3.

Tonight we went to our second Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony.  It still feels so unreal that we go to ceremonies like this now.  It has now become part of what we do in December. I looked at your picture and thought, "How can she be gone?  I want her back so much."  I miss you every day.  Sometimes the pain of losing you makes it so hard to breath and other times I feel so numb. We put up the Christmas tree today.  It is very different from all the years we decorated it with you.  There was no Christmas music and no dancing around and running to see if anyone noticed that you were standing under Kissy Man. No one to comment on every decoration.  Of course the ballerina is up front.  She always had to be up front didn't she?  Jared didn't want to decorate so Dad and I did.  I missed how it used to be.  I will put all your butterflies on your tree tomorrow.  I wanted to have some alone time to decorate your tree. July 1, 2008 our lives changed forever and we don't get to go back to how it was. I wish that in life, you could have one thing that could be undone.  Just one.  I'd wish you back home. I miss you my beautiful girl and I miss hearing your voice so much.  That crazy laugh.  Oh how I would love to hear it.  I love you my sweet angel girl.  Always and forever. 

Black Friday shopping begins soon.  I flipped through the sales flyers, but wasn't really interested.  That is something that will end now.  That was yours and I want it to stay that way. It would seem wrong to go without you.  I remember when we first started going.  I was pregnant with you.  I wanted a Christmas tree and Nanny told me that K-mart would have them on sale.  That was back when the stores opened early at 7:00 a.m. and people didn't push and shove for an item.  Poppy went with me since it had snowed and he was worried I would fall.  We went to breakfast after wards and it became a tradition.  Once we came to California, you wanted to make sure we went so you could do your shopping. I think you enjoyed that we had breakfast together too and it was just such a nice family time.  I was thinking back to the last times we went and the Thanksgiving night living room "camp outs."  You would talk and talk.  I remember the last time we did that.  Sitting up a pup tent in the living room and turning the sound machine on to the sound of the frogs and crickets.  You being a goof.  I can still see your face from the time that Brandon went with us.  Ya'll came walking down an isle of Walmart smiling because you had finished all your shopping.  You always did like to pick gifts for other people.  You always had a genuine excitement that they would love what you gave them.  I still have the scarf you gave me.  I have almost everything you have ever given me, but I remember that we had been having a rough patch and that you gave me that scarf.  I could feel you watching for my reaction and I was just so touched that you had been so thoughtful.  I could feel the love that went into picking that gift.  You are wearing it in the picture from your last Christmas.  When we went to the Christmas tree ranch to cut down our tree.  I love that picture of you.  Sometimes I will just put the scarf on or touch it to feel you.  I know it may be silly but it is the closest I can get to a hug from you now.  We sent your letters to you again.  We set your place at the table again.  I wanted so much to see you sitting there. I miss you Kaylin.  Holidays will never be the same again.  I am glad that there are good memories, but I still want you back.  I am so thankful that I got to be your mom and have you with me for 20 years.  I was doing laundry last night and found your Eeyore sock again.  It made me feel like you were near.  I was surprised to see it.  It helped so much when I would find it at the laundry.  I was surprised to see it since it had been awhile, but I know you that you sent it to remind us how close you are.  I love you love bug.  I love you and miss you so so much. 1-4-3.