Kaylin Marie Mathews

I had a hard time the Fourth of July.  You were not here.  All day all I could think about was last year.  Last year on the Fourth of July the coroner was doing an autopsy on you.  My life was falling apart and I wasn't sure that I was going to survive the pain.  I was thinking to the past.  Remembering Fourth of July when it was good.  Remembering when you were little, about 16 months old, and going to set off fireworks outside of town.  Holding you so you could see all the pretty lights and you wanting down.  You were more interested in toddling after frogs.  All of the people who had gathered and all the fireworks going off and you wanted to chase frogs.  When you got older and we went to Dee and Brandie's since they lived where you could still do fireworks.  Steve and Tonya and their girl's being there.  Each family buying the family pack so that all of you could have a good show.  Cooking out and you and Stephanie and Mallory popping those poppers on the porch and lighting snakes and sparklers.  Lining up the chairs as Dee, Steve, and your dad set off the fireworks.  Then moving to California and going to the Jann's Mall and sitting up on top of the parking structure to watch the display there.  This year wondering how fireworks look from heaven and wondering what you and Nanny were doing.  I miss you Kaylin.  Some days it feels like my heart will just burst.  I cannot believe that it has been a year now.  One year on this painful road and I just want to get off, to turn around and see you there.  I want to tell you I love you.  I want you to tell me to stop worrying so much about you.  There is a hole in my heart that will never heal.  I have never wanted anything so much in my life as I want to have you back. Now all we have are memories.  There are no more to make and each thing we do now is tainted.  There will never be another time that we feel joy or happiness the way we once did.  There will always be this part that won't let us feel it completely because there is always that one piece of our life missing.  We are no longer complete.  No matter what was going on with us Kaylin, you were always loved.  You always will be.

Today is Mother's Day. It was a day I have been dreading. Jared and Dad were working at the Boy Scout Breakfast. I decided not to go to this one. I knew that I would only get to see Jared while he was waiting on me so I stayed home and talked to you and remembered past Mother's Days with you. I smiled and I cried. Right now I can look at the first Mother's Day gift you gave me. It sits on the shelf in my office. You were a whole two months old. :) Nanny took you shopping and "you" gave me a mug that says, "I Love You Mom." I can see it everyday. I have every handmade gift you made and I have a letter that means the world to me now. I was thinking back to my favorite memory with you. When you were little the kids from Children's Church would give their moms a rose. When it was your turn I came up to get the rose from you and your teacher said, "This mom gets an extra gift." I was asked to sit down on the front pew and you went to the microphone and sang "Roses Will Bloom Again" for me. That was when Nanny heard that song and fell in love with it. You were 8. I remember being so touched when your teacher, Debbie, came and told me that you had asked her if you could sing a song for your mama. See, you didn't always think I was the Queen of Mean. My mind also drifted to the harder memories. I remember when you were 18. You had come home again and left because you didn't like some rule. You called me that Mother's Day to tell me you were moving out again and wanted to come get your stuff right then. I knew you were mad at me about something and that you wanted to strike out. That was a sad day because I wanted so much more with you. Nanny would tell me, "She's got to pull away but she'll come back." I don't get to get you back now. I want you back so much. I read your letter from several years ago. I read it often. When I was wallowing in my pain today that song, "Sissy" came on. It is on your site. The part of Don't worry bout me. I don't worry about you, I know you are safe in God's hands but I do miss you so much. I loved you before I ever saw your face and I love you now that I can only look at pictures of you. It was a hard day but it let me have some time to grieve you. I was able to take that time and use it to just mourn you so that when Jared came home I could be there for him too. He brought flowers. Yellow and White daisies because he said he knew that you liked them and he knew that they would mean a lot to me. They did. They represented both of you. Two pieces of my heart.

Kaylin liked to spend the night with her Nanny and Poppy and I was still at home. I remember she liked to sleep with me, which I loved cause I was her Aunt Isa as she called me. She loved the camera and when my mom (Nanny) would come in with her video camera and she would always say cheese. I would laugh at her then she would act silly by saying apples, oranges she was so cute and silly. I loved having her around it was like she was my little sister. When I got married she and I both cried cause I was moving to another town but, I made sure she came and stayed with me. I didn't like having to give her back to her mom. She loved to swim and at our apartment swimming pool she was about 10 or 11 and she would always say watch me Krissy(it went from Isa to Krissy) and then she would jump in. I had so much fun with her. When they moved to California it about killed me cause I was losing her and her brother which I also love so much and I thought what am I going to do without them. It was hard to get used to but, I made sure I spent time with them when they came down in the summer we had so many good times and I miss her so much. I loved her and always will.  1-4-3

I think of you everyday. It may sometimes seem that I am doing something else but you and your brother are always on my mind. Today I was thinking about you and going back through the years. It's more of a Christmas time memory but it made me smile. When you were 14 and 15 and going through your goth phase, and how hard it was shopping for you at that time. You only wore black and it seemed like if it was ugly you liked it. When Dad and I were shopping for you that year I remember looking at clothes with color and telling him you would never wear those. He found these shoes. They were ugly red shoes. I think some of the ugliest shoes I had ever seen in my life. We joked that you'd probably love them since we thought they were so ugly. They were so ugly they were $2.00. I have a feeling they were on their way to the give away rack. :) So Dad got them for you. We built the suspense for you about those shoes. You could not wait to open that present. Following the tradition, you got to open one present Christmas Eve. Of course, you picked that present to open. We reminded you and Jared both that what you picked was what you got and there wasn't another chance once you opened your choice. You stuck to your guns and opened those ugly red shoes. The look on your face. Dad and I laughed and you pretended you were upset but even you couldn't help laughing. I am pretty sure we made it up to you the next morning, but it was one of those moments that became a wonderful memory. Every year after that you'd always choose and ask, "Is it ugly red shoes again?" I missed that this past Christmas. It became a kind of tradition on its own for us to find a gag gift for you. I am pretty sure I got you with the Dr. Laura doll. I bet you got rid of that as soon as you walked out of the door huh? :) I still have mine at work and I always smile when I think about giving you yours. Even with everything we had gone through I am so glad that we had those memories too. Those are the memories that sustain me and help me make it through the tough memories. I love you Kaylin Maroo. Losing you is the hardest thing in my life. I'd give anything to have you back. For now I hold the memories of you as the precious treasures they are. 1-4-3

Easter is April 12 this year. It was 6 years ago today that I got the news that my Mama was gone. She had died in her bedroom after asking Poppy to "wash his hands and fix her a 7-up." Each time she asked you to fix her a drink it always began with "wash your hands" :) It became a joke and now we all do it too. :) I remember how you wanted to sing "Roses will Bloom Again" for her one last time. I didn't think you would make it through it but I knew you needed to try. It overwhelmed you and they ended up just playing it but you tried. I know she would have liked that. I know that you missed her so much too. You and she had a special bond. You and I both got to talk to her the night before she died. I had the best talk with her even though I talked to her every day. She ended up being my best friend and I would have promised you at one time that would never have happened. She was so old fashioned and wasn't cool at all. She was a mom. A mom who stood firm in her beliefs and did not sway from them. A mom who let us hate her if we had to but she did the best thing for us, not herself. She didn't take the easy way out with us. I admire that about her so much. She knew when to bend and when not to. I found out that she was pretty cool after all. I believed that would happen for you and I one day. I had every belief that one day you would discover I wasn't so bad after all. :) When I learned that you had died I wanted my mom so bad. It was the first time since she died that I NEEDED her and she was not there. There were lots of times I wanted to just talk to her and tell her something, but it was the first time that I needed my mom to help me through the worst pain I have ever experienced. In many ways though it helped me and gave me comfort to know that she was there to meet you. I have no doubt that as you entered eternity that she was right there to grab you up. I can visualize the two of you sitting together and her hugging you up next to her. So today is Easter and it is especially hard because two people that I love so much are not here. There will be no basket for you this year. Last year you still had to have your basket. You liked the traditions we had. I am certain that this year would have been no different. You'd be 21 and still expecting your Easter basket. :) I dreaded the time that you would be "too old" and mean it. I miss you Kaylin. I miss you so much and some days it is so hard to get through. This year holidays seem so hollow. We go through minimal motions for your brother but even he doesn't seem to be up for them this year. I can't imagine ever being able to get through a holiday that you are not part of again. I just miss you so much sweet girl. 1-4-3