Kaylin Marie Mathews

I HEARD YOU CRYING YESTERDAY
AND FELT YOUR HEART-SENT LOVE
SO NOW, I'M SENDING YOU THIS MESSAGE
NOW, FROM HEAVEN UP ABOVE

YOU'RE WONDERING IF I'LL CELEBRATE
MY BIRTHDAY (WAY UP HERE )
I KNOW YOU'RE MISSING ME TODAY
I FEEL YOUR ESSENCE NEAR

GOD PLANNED A SPECIAL DAY FOR ME
HE TOLD ME WITH A WINK
HE'D ORDER ME A SPECIAL CAKE
(IT'S ANGEL FOOD , I THINK )

I'M GETTING LOTS OF HUGS FROM GOD
HE'S REALLY GOOD AT THAT
AND EVERYTIME THAT I WALK BY
HE GIVES MY HEAD A PAT

BALLOONS WILL FILL THE STREETS FOR ME
THEY FLOAT UP THROUGH THE CLOUDS
AND WE HAVE LOTS OF CLOWNS UP HERE
THEY MAKE US LAUGH OUT LOUD

THERE IS A BIRTHDAY CAROUSEL
JEWELED HORSES RIDE THE WIND
WITH MUSIC PLAYING OH SO SWEET.....
THE MAGIC NEVER ENDS

I'VE MADE SO MANY FRIENDS , YOU SEE
WE LAUGH AND PLAY AND SING
WE RIDE THE CLOUDS ,IT'S SO MUCH FUN
AND SLEEP IN OUR ANGEL WINGS

I'LL HAVE MY CAKE AND ICE CREAM
AND OPEN MY GIFTS ,SURPRISE!!
BUT WE DON'T BLOW OUT CANDLES HERE
INSTEAD, WE LIGHT THE SKIES

KIM I WANTED TO DO THIS FOR YOU ..EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT WILL BE A SAD DAY ..I HOPE SOMEHOW I MADE YOU SMILE ..I KNOW KAYLIN WILL BE WATCHING OVER YOU TODAY ..AND WE KNOW WHO HER FRIENDS ARE ..OUR ANGELS ...LOVE YOU KAYLIN AND LOVE YOU KIM XOXOXOXOXO

Thinking of you always ..stay close to your mom !! love to you both xoxoxo

Original poem by Tara & Heath Carey


Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your
family's life.
...
Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the murder continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every girl who looks like she is Kaylin's age. And then thinking of the age she'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were
an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has
become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Kaylin loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my daughter, Kaylin.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

I know Kaylin is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young woman was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Kaylin is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

The above poem was originally written by Tara and Heath Carey after they lost their daughters Violet and Iris in 2002 when natural gas caused their apartment to explode. I have taken the liberty to rewrite and change parts of the poem to fit it more to Kaylin's personality. I hope you are able to apply the same techniques to this poem to help you remember your child.


Because of a coward named Weston Thomas McCahon this is our normal.  To this date the sniveling coward shows no remorse.

Today had so many ups and downs.  Last night I could barely sleep.  I kept thinking, "this is when she was dying and he was refusing to get her help."  "this is when people tried to intervene and he drove off."  I cannot ever understand how someone could be so callous to someone in trouble.  God forgive me Kaylin but I hate him and I wish he was dead.  I know it isn't "the right thing" for me to think, but I feel it especially now.  Had he shown ANY remorse at all I think I could find my way there, but not as long as he has no remorse at all for his cowardly actions. You didn't have to die that night.  You should still be here.  I had lunch with Susan and she was so gracious in letting me share photo albums of you.  I found Bea tonight.  She is missing half an eyebrow.  It made me laugh and wonder just how long you had been contemplating shaving yours only to draw them on. Every moment I could feel the heaviness of despair and someone stepped in to give us a happy reminder of your life.  Teri sent Blue Bell ice cream and I found that so funny.  I never had any one mail me ice cream.  I could picture you laughing about that too.  Tanner has such a hard time now.  His birthday is forever tainted because that evil in human skin tainted his birthday by murdering you.  He doesn't even want to have one anymore.  He is too young to feel that way.  I don't want that monster to rob him of that.  We sent your butterfly balloons to you tonight.  It got very emotional for me.  I shouldn't be sending you balloons on an anniversary of your death.  You should be here calling Tanner and giving him a hard time and telling me that you cannot believe he is so big now. I miss you baby girl.  I miss you so much and my heart hearts with the pain of it.  I don't know that I can ever truly accept that you are gone.  It has been so long since I have seen you or heard your voice.  I wonder what you would be doing today had that cowardly excuse of a man let the people who offered help you.  Sometimes I try not to think and pretend that you are away visiting a friend or at college.  I don't like having to accept the reality.  You were so beautiful Kaylin.  I miss you so very very much.  I love you for ever, I like you for always.  As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Tonight your baby brother graduated from A E Wright.  I was so proud of him.  I cannot believe how big he is now.  I know you are proud of him too. Another bittersweet moment.  Another reminder that you are missing from celebrations in life.  Another reminder that my heart breaks every day from the hole left in it when you were murdered.  I was glad I had on sunglasses.  It hid the tears.  While we waited for them to come out I was transported back to a very hot day with no wind at all.  A sunny day, that felt like a million degrees.  A day we watched as a beautiful girl with long red hair walked across the stage to graduate from 8th grade.  That seems so long ago in some ways.  Afterwards taking pictures and you and Denae laughing.  I have your picture and it is one of my favorites of you.  You in your blue gown.  I don't remember what we did after.  I can't recall that but I could clearly remember watching you that day.  I closed my eyes a moment and was transported back to that day.  The feel, the smells, the sounds.  When they called his name I let out a hollar for him.  I was so proud watching him and I knew you were there too.  I miss you baby.  It's almost two years since that coward refused to let the people help you who offered.  Almost two years since that selfish excuse of a human being decided that he mattered more then someone dying on the seat next to him.  Almost two years since that awful thing dumped you and left you to die alone while he went swimming at his friends.  Nights like this I hate him.  I try to forgive but I am not there yet.  Not when I saw no remorse.  You should have been with us tonight celebrating your brother's moment and you weren't.  I love you baby girl.  I love you so much. 1-4-3